What I'm Reading: Why Does He Do That
Content warning: This blog posts discusses a non-fiction book about abusive men.
Full title: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
What it’s about: In short, this book is about characteristics and tactics of psychologically, emotionally, and physically abusive men. The author, Lundy Bancroft, is a seasoned therapist who references his extensive work with abusers and abuse victims. He gives a broad and solid foundation for how to wrap your mind around abuse and why men abuse. He dispels common misconceptions and myths about abuse and abusers, and gives simple truths for seemingly complex dynamics.
I believe Bancroft does a good job of explaining why he focuses on men abusing women, and seems to do an okay job of inclusion of same-sex relationships when it’s needed. He does acknowledge that women can abuse men, but convincingly presents that the impact of abuse of women by men tends to be much more damaging.
My thoughts: I personally found abuse difficult to understand before I read this, and though it is of course still gut-wrenching, I now feel much more comfortable with the mechanics of why men abuse.
It gives me the effect of having my “eyes wide open” to the signs of abuse in our world and in relationships around me (including my clients’), which is both uncomfortable and empowering.
I found myself talking about this one quite a bit with friends and colleagues, and some colleagues let me know this book was required reading for a course in graduate school. I certainly wish I had read it sooner!
Throughout the whole book, I felt as if this was a resource I could come back to in the future. It was very organized and thorough and seemed to cover a lot of bases. I found it helpful both as a professional and as a human who knows men! He even gives a few other book recommendations for other needs, like how to leave an abusive relationship and how to support a loved one who is in an abusive relationship.
Recommended for: ALL CLINICIANS if you’re ready for it! For me, this improved my conceptualization of abuse exponentially. If you’re in therapy or working to understand your own experience of abuse, talk to your therapist about your interest in the book if you feel ready. I can’t understate the heaviness of this one!
I would venture to say most people are impacted by abusive men in their lives in one way or another, and if you can stomach it, this book could be a life-changing read for many.
I will say I had to be mindful of my own emotions and reactions to the book, and I recommend if you’re reading this to practice excellent self-care. Take breaks as often as you need them. Process the parts you need to with safe loved ones or in a journal.
Disclaimer: If you read my previous book review of Quit Like a Woman, you know I like to listen to non-fiction on audio to keep my attention on the book. I listened to this one on audio as well, and enjoyed it that way!
Authored by: Jessica Chavolla, LPC